-“Thanks, Dr. Jones, for allowing this tour of your institution.”
-“You’re welcome. Let’s start here on Ward 7. Pat Summerall is in here. He’s talking to himself.”
-“That makes it 40-30, in favor of Billie Jean King, Tony Trabert. That makes it 40-30, in favor of Billie Jean King, Tony Trabert. Advantage, Navratilova. Advantage Navratilova.”
-“This is really sad, Dr. Jones. What happened to Pat?”
-“His job was eliminated when they started putting that little rectangle on the screen that shows the point, game and set scores. Now he just imagines he’s still back at the tournament in the old days. Of course, he’s one hundred and thirty-seven come this Friday.”
-“I see.”
-“You’re welcome. Let’s start here on Ward 7. Pat Summerall is in here. He’s talking to himself.”
-“That makes it 40-30, in favor of Billie Jean King, Tony Trabert. That makes it 40-30, in favor of Billie Jean King, Tony Trabert. Advantage, Navratilova. Advantage Navratilova.”
-“This is really sad, Dr. Jones. What happened to Pat?”
-“His job was eliminated when they started putting that little rectangle on the screen that shows the point, game and set scores. Now he just imagines he’s still back at the tournament in the old days. Of course, he’s one hundred and thirty-seven come this Friday.”
-“I see.”
* * *
-“Where are we now, Dr. Jones?”
-“We’re entering Ward 9. Dick Enberg is in here. In fact, here he comes now. As usual, he’s talking to himself.”
-“Katie Couric is the first female anchor to broadcast alone. It’s a historic occasion. Well, John McEnroe and Mary Carillo, starting next Thursday at 9 pm, it’s a great new CBS show, Dumber Than Ever. An escaped convict romances a nun only to discover that she’s Columbo in disguise. Who woulda thunk! So who says American tennis is in trouble? First Blake and now Roddick win a set from Federer. My, my. Maria Sharapova is taller than Justine Henin-Hardenne, isn’t she, John McEnroe? Doesn’t this give her an advantage in reach, Mary Carillo? Well, John McEnroe and Mary Carillo, don’t miss the Fall premiere of a great new CBS sitcom, Dumber Yet. A fugitive from the law hides out in the home of the first American female Hare Krishna priestess. Starring Owen Wilson, Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson. There goes Federer over to the sidelines to get a new racket. And now, let’s go courtside to Al Trautwig to find out whether when he opens his bag of rackets, Roger looks worried against the resurgent, redeemed, back-on-the-top-of-the-mountain A-a-a-a-n-d-y Roddick! Well, next Wednesday at 8pm Eastern and 9pm Central and Western times, don’t miss the great new CBS feature film, Dumber Still, a modern Western starring Ashton Kutcher, Ashton Kutcher and Ashton Kutcher. What was life really like way back there in the Old West? Tune in and you’ll be sure to find out. Wow, Federer looked a bit human trying to decide which of those several rackets to select. I thought the reinvigorated Roddick handled the delay quite well, John McEnroe and Mary Carillo.”
-“Really sad, Dr. Jones.”
-“Dick should have come here a long time ago.”
-“We’re entering Ward 9. Dick Enberg is in here. In fact, here he comes now. As usual, he’s talking to himself.”
-“Katie Couric is the first female anchor to broadcast alone. It’s a historic occasion. Well, John McEnroe and Mary Carillo, starting next Thursday at 9 pm, it’s a great new CBS show, Dumber Than Ever. An escaped convict romances a nun only to discover that she’s Columbo in disguise. Who woulda thunk! So who says American tennis is in trouble? First Blake and now Roddick win a set from Federer. My, my. Maria Sharapova is taller than Justine Henin-Hardenne, isn’t she, John McEnroe? Doesn’t this give her an advantage in reach, Mary Carillo? Well, John McEnroe and Mary Carillo, don’t miss the Fall premiere of a great new CBS sitcom, Dumber Yet. A fugitive from the law hides out in the home of the first American female Hare Krishna priestess. Starring Owen Wilson, Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson. There goes Federer over to the sidelines to get a new racket. And now, let’s go courtside to Al Trautwig to find out whether when he opens his bag of rackets, Roger looks worried against the resurgent, redeemed, back-on-the-top-of-the-mountain A-a-a-a-n-d-y Roddick! Well, next Wednesday at 8pm Eastern and 9pm Central and Western times, don’t miss the great new CBS feature film, Dumber Still, a modern Western starring Ashton Kutcher, Ashton Kutcher and Ashton Kutcher. What was life really like way back there in the Old West? Tune in and you’ll be sure to find out. Wow, Federer looked a bit human trying to decide which of those several rackets to select. I thought the reinvigorated Roddick handled the delay quite well, John McEnroe and Mary Carillo.”
-“Really sad, Dr. Jones.”
-“Dick should have come here a long time ago.”
* * *
-“So now, Dr. Jones, are we coming to another ward?”
-“Yes indeed. Ward 21. You’re about to see Ted Robinson. Speaking of which….”
-“Johnny Mac, you have the best eyes I’ve ever seen. Johnny Mac, in which year did you go 82-3? Johnny Mac, if you say it, it has to be true. It’s, well, it’s a privilege to work with you, Johnny Mac. And I’m truly sorry that I mentioned CNBC. I will never do that again, Johnny Mac. I’m so very sorry, Johnny Mac. I like you, Johnny Mac. You’re the greatest. I like you, too, Tracy Austin. It’s an honor, Tracy Austin. May I call you Tracy? No? Perfectly all right. Can we put up that picture of Miss Austin right after she won the U.S. Open? Miss Austin, how would you have played Serena? Would you have overpowered Serena or used finesse? I think these New York fans that are shouting all the time are just terribly excited, not a distraction for the players and the TV audience. New Yorkers have a lot of spirit. Those young guys with no shirts on making idiots of themselves in the nosebleed seats and shouting just as Federer serves…hey, it’s New York. Get used to it. I love New York. And, of course, it’s whatever you say, Johnny Mac. Can we show that picture again of Johnny Mac without his shirt on?”
-“Yes indeed. Ward 21. You’re about to see Ted Robinson. Speaking of which….”
-“Johnny Mac, you have the best eyes I’ve ever seen. Johnny Mac, in which year did you go 82-3? Johnny Mac, if you say it, it has to be true. It’s, well, it’s a privilege to work with you, Johnny Mac. And I’m truly sorry that I mentioned CNBC. I will never do that again, Johnny Mac. I’m so very sorry, Johnny Mac. I like you, Johnny Mac. You’re the greatest. I like you, too, Tracy Austin. It’s an honor, Tracy Austin. May I call you Tracy? No? Perfectly all right. Can we put up that picture of Miss Austin right after she won the U.S. Open? Miss Austin, how would you have played Serena? Would you have overpowered Serena or used finesse? I think these New York fans that are shouting all the time are just terribly excited, not a distraction for the players and the TV audience. New Yorkers have a lot of spirit. Those young guys with no shirts on making idiots of themselves in the nosebleed seats and shouting just as Federer serves…hey, it’s New York. Get used to it. I love New York. And, of course, it’s whatever you say, Johnny Mac. Can we show that picture again of Johnny Mac without his shirt on?”
* * *
-“Goodbye, Dr. Jones. Keep the doors locked.”
-“We will. Brad Gilbert will be here next week. He’ll be not rushing the net in the new Nick Bollitieri Wing.”
-“We will. Brad Gilbert will be here next week. He’ll be not rushing the net in the new Nick Bollitieri Wing.”